Just in case you were wondering...

I'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend.

It's on my mind.

Most of the relationship is good but I am still not getting everything I need from the relationship and I have to look out for myself.

Submerged

I'm drowning.

I'm being pulled beneath the waves. I want to fight but I can't.

Down and down and down and down and down.

And down.

And who would help me? Could you? What would you do? Could you save my lie? When I can't save myself?

They say fake it until you make it.

I don't know if I can fake it long enough to make it.

First day of school tomorrow

Hey.

I'm excited and, at the same time, bummed that school starts tomorrow. I'm so lazy. I have a ton of stuff to do. Ugh. I guess I should pick my classes now.

Tony and I had something of a dissagreement today. It's weird because I wouldn't call it a fight but I was definitely really irritated. If I ask you to please stop doing something, PLEASE STOP DOING IT!! I'm not going to ask you to stop doing something I enjoy. Am I?

It's been raining all day and I'm a little down because of it (as well as other above reasons). Im usually good with rain but I don't know... today, it just feels wrong. Ugh.

Alright, positive note: I AM excited about school, I feel like I might have done well with the Fantasy Football Draft that I did yesterday, and I'm probably going to make cookies tonight.

Last days before school starts

Ok, so here is the breakdown.

I'm kind of puppy-sitting my little sister's Chiwawa/Silk Terrier for the week-end and its a little weird having a dog in the house. The cats are not enthused. The nervous energy level is through the roof! However, Figy is a good dog and I like her so we are making it work.

I have a boyfriend now. His name is Tony and we have been seeing each other for about two months now. It didn't start out with us dating. It was just us hooking up and hanging out. About two weeks ago, it got serious. I'm not going crazy with this. I'm going to take it easy and see where it goes. It's like we live together though. He is always here and I don't get a lot of time to myself. I need a car. Ugh.

I'm participating in Fantasy Football this year. It looks like fun and I was offered the position when a friend who was playing last year opted out this year. I feel like maybe if I survive the draft, I'll be ok.

SCHOOL! YAY STRESS! FML. School starts on Wednesday. I'm nervous because I have some financial stuff to get taken care of but excited otherwise. Wish me luck!

My arms hurt

So yesterday started off kind of awful but ended ok.

I got to go to the gym and had an awesome work out. My arms are killing me and I suspect its from the push ups. I want to go again today. I guess we will see.

I'm actually kind of having a weird episode. I just started dating this guy Tony. Things are going ok. I just dont want him to freak out because I'm freaking out about me ex. He's coming over later and we are going to smoke, make burgers, and eat cookies. I think I'm making the Neiman Marcus cookies but with nuts.

My life is so weird right now. I almost don't know what to do with myself.

Neural Pathways Set in Stone?

I'm having a little bit of a breakdown today.

Last night, I had a nightmare that I ran into my ex-fiance. I don't remember talking to him in the dream but I think we made eye contact. I panicked and woke up screaming.

I know that it seems silly but we were together for 4.5 years. I loved that man with all of my heart and soul. The last therapist I spoke to told me that I probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from it. I believe it. I think I'm still in love with him.

So today I am doing everything I can think of to elevate my stress level. I'm about to go to the gym and beat up the tread mill, I 'm blogging as you read, and I'm making an appointment with my therapist for later in the week.

What else is there for someone who has no way to get closure? What kind of life is this to live?

It's Saturday!

My Best Friend, Kim, came over last night. We played Mario Kart Wii, drank gin and RedBull, played with Smurfs(she got me an iTunes gift card as an early Birthday present, I bought Smurfberries), caught up on things we had missed, and talked about the future. I had a great time. I even let her sit in my side of the couch.

I almost forgot that Doctor Who aired today. I downloaded the episode and I'm about to watch it. My friend Joe from Ireland said that it is a mid season finale and they are taking a brake until the fall. :-(

Wes attended, his bestfriend, Will's wedding today as the best man. I wish I could have been there.

On the Work out front, I'm developing nicely, I think. I am going to the gym after I watch Doctor Who. I think my chest is starting to show. I just want abs. lol. Im going to the beach on Monday. If I take any pictures that I'm happy with, I might post one as my pic for the day.

In the Mood for Love

I just posted this to my FB but I really like it so I wanted to post it here. I think its from 2006, maybe 2007. I'm not sure.

Went to the gym today and did legs. We'll see if I did them right if they hurt Thurday(later today). Im really trying to get abs for summer but Im working my whole body at the same time. I'll go again Thursday(later today) to do arms. I'd like to run down my the waterfront today too. We will see.

BEGIN SPOILERS: "In the Mood for Love" film

I just watched Wong Kar-Wai's "In the Mood for Love" and it was really hard. It's neighbors who realise that their spouses are cheating on them with the other's spouse. They have a relationship that borders on sybiotic but it gives them what they need to deal with the infadelity of their husband/wife. In the end the secret love that the other clearly knows about but neither will admit to gets me. It's so sad on so many levels. Not to even get started on the music or cinematography. Simply Amazing.

END SPOILERS

It's hard not to think about Royce after watching that. My feelings have evolved so much. I love him and I don't care about him at the same time. I don't hate him. I don't want him to be unhappy but I don't care if he's happy or not. I do want him in my life and at the same time not. It's like a mild confliction.

Met with Doug today. I somehow don't have a problem being "the other man". Life is fucked up. I hope when Wes and I make it official that I am able to remain commited and fidelious.

I'm going to bed. Sleep well.

JUNE! Pic-A-Day!

Spring is finally here. I've been grilling like a mad man. I might be doing it again tonight with Sean. Not sure yet. It depends on if he's feeling well enough. Apparently he hurt his neck yesterday.

I'm going to the gym again today to make more of an effort towards abs. Lol. I just want abs for summer. Having them for my birthday would be nice. Having them for Boston Pride would be FUCKING AMAZING!

Ugh. I need to fill out FAFSA paperwork today. I hate paperwork. I'm such a procrastinator. But do I want to pay for my schooling right now out of pocket? No. Paperwork it is.

Wash dishes, take a shower, get dressed, go to gym, paperwork, relax. Sounds like a plan. Make it happen.

End of May, Beginning of Pic-A-Day

So I said I was doing to try and be more punctual. Fail so far but here we go.

60 SECOND UPDATE!!!

Talking to Wes again. Planning on going to see him for his birthday at the end of June.

Turning 32 *gasp* in July. Whatever. It happens.

Got an A- in Honors Sociology. YAY!! Don't ask about the other classes. Boo and a Hiss.

Kitties are good, except when they are being bad.

I'm hanging out with Kim next week-end. Que shenanigans.

END UPDATE!

I'm tired. It's late.

Good night. Good morning.

Big Changes, Small Life

So lots has happened. Quick up-date.

-I got in three car accidents. Car totaled. Currently with out wheels. Complete refund for the value of the car. Not having transportation is killing my dating life (kind of).

-Pepere died December 6th. I miss him all the time. I had a craving for tomato soup for weeks afterward and couldn't figure it out until my older sister pointed out that it was his favorite. Wore my Navy Dress Blues to his funeral. Cried a lot.

-Won an iPad from Converse at work. Saps all of my attention. It is a little bit of evil but I kind of love it. I live on Grindr.

-Grindr is like throwing dynamite in the water fishing for gays. Its so trashy but I kind of love it too. It's really bad for my self restaint.

-Saw a pic of my own cock on craigslist. Not sure if I'm flattered or insulted. Wonder what the guys that go to meet him when they get there and see that his cock is not as big as mine. Chuckle a little inside.

-QUIT MY JOB! Hate it. Want to do more with my life. Gave my two weeks notice in January.

-Going back to school at UMass Dartmouth for Nursing. It's really tough but only because I'm a slacker. Ugh. Why am I so lazy?

-Cut my hair into a mohawk again. Love it. Mom hates it. Life moves on.

Can't think of anything else right now. I'm going to try and be more regular. Bookmarking this NOW on my iPad. God, I love technology. I love Jesus too, btw.