Just in case you were wondering...

I'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend.

It's on my mind.

Most of the relationship is good but I am still not getting everything I need from the relationship and I have to look out for myself.

Submerged

I'm drowning.

I'm being pulled beneath the waves. I want to fight but I can't.

Down and down and down and down and down.

And down.

And who would help me? Could you? What would you do? Could you save my lie? When I can't save myself?

They say fake it until you make it.

I don't know if I can fake it long enough to make it.

First day of school tomorrow

Hey.

I'm excited and, at the same time, bummed that school starts tomorrow. I'm so lazy. I have a ton of stuff to do. Ugh. I guess I should pick my classes now.

Tony and I had something of a dissagreement today. It's weird because I wouldn't call it a fight but I was definitely really irritated. If I ask you to please stop doing something, PLEASE STOP DOING IT!! I'm not going to ask you to stop doing something I enjoy. Am I?

It's been raining all day and I'm a little down because of it (as well as other above reasons). Im usually good with rain but I don't know... today, it just feels wrong. Ugh.

Alright, positive note: I AM excited about school, I feel like I might have done well with the Fantasy Football Draft that I did yesterday, and I'm probably going to make cookies tonight.

Last days before school starts

Ok, so here is the breakdown.

I'm kind of puppy-sitting my little sister's Chiwawa/Silk Terrier for the week-end and its a little weird having a dog in the house. The cats are not enthused. The nervous energy level is through the roof! However, Figy is a good dog and I like her so we are making it work.

I have a boyfriend now. His name is Tony and we have been seeing each other for about two months now. It didn't start out with us dating. It was just us hooking up and hanging out. About two weeks ago, it got serious. I'm not going crazy with this. I'm going to take it easy and see where it goes. It's like we live together though. He is always here and I don't get a lot of time to myself. I need a car. Ugh.

I'm participating in Fantasy Football this year. It looks like fun and I was offered the position when a friend who was playing last year opted out this year. I feel like maybe if I survive the draft, I'll be ok.

SCHOOL! YAY STRESS! FML. School starts on Wednesday. I'm nervous because I have some financial stuff to get taken care of but excited otherwise. Wish me luck!

My arms hurt

So yesterday started off kind of awful but ended ok.

I got to go to the gym and had an awesome work out. My arms are killing me and I suspect its from the push ups. I want to go again today. I guess we will see.

I'm actually kind of having a weird episode. I just started dating this guy Tony. Things are going ok. I just dont want him to freak out because I'm freaking out about me ex. He's coming over later and we are going to smoke, make burgers, and eat cookies. I think I'm making the Neiman Marcus cookies but with nuts.

My life is so weird right now. I almost don't know what to do with myself.

Neural Pathways Set in Stone?

I'm having a little bit of a breakdown today.

Last night, I had a nightmare that I ran into my ex-fiance. I don't remember talking to him in the dream but I think we made eye contact. I panicked and woke up screaming.

I know that it seems silly but we were together for 4.5 years. I loved that man with all of my heart and soul. The last therapist I spoke to told me that I probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from it. I believe it. I think I'm still in love with him.

So today I am doing everything I can think of to elevate my stress level. I'm about to go to the gym and beat up the tread mill, I 'm blogging as you read, and I'm making an appointment with my therapist for later in the week.

What else is there for someone who has no way to get closure? What kind of life is this to live?