Falling off my Apron

Just in case you were wondering...

2011-12-22T11:48:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend.

2011-10-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

It's on my mind.

Most of the relationship is good but I am still not getting everything I need from the relationship and I have to look out for myself.

Submerged

2011-10-14T18:06:00.000-07:00

I'm drowning.

I'm being pulled beneath the waves. I want to fight but I can't.

Down and down and down and down and down.

And down.

And who would help me? Could you? What would you do? Could you save my lie? When I can't save myself?

They say fake it until you make it.

I don't know if I can fake it long enough to make it.

First day of school tomorrow

2011-09-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

Hey.

I'm excited and, at the same time, bummed that school starts tomorrow. I'm so lazy. I have a ton of stuff to do. Ugh. I guess I should pick my classes now.

Tony and I had something of a dissagreement today. It's weird because I wouldn't call it a fight but I was definitely really irritated. If I ask you to please stop doing something, PLEASE STOP DOING IT!! I'm not going to ask you to stop doing something I enjoy. Am I?

It's been raining all day and I'm a little down because of it (as well as other above reasons). Im usually good with rain but I don't know... today, it just feels wrong. Ugh.

Alright, positive note: I AM excited about school, I feel like I might have done well with the Fantasy Football Draft that I did yesterday, and I'm probably going to make cookies tonight.

Last days before school starts

2011-09-04T09:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here is the breakdown.

I'm kind of puppy-sitting my little sister's Chiwawa/Silk Terrier for the week-end and its a little weird having a dog in the house. The cats are not enthused. The nervous energy level is through the roof! However, Figy is a good dog and I like her so we are making it work.

I have a boyfriend now. His name is Tony and we have been seeing each other for about two months now. It didn't start out with us dating. It was just us hooking up and hanging out. About two weeks ago, it got serious. I'm not going crazy with this. I'm going to take it easy and see where it goes. It's like we live together though. He is always here and I don't get a lot of time to myself. I need a car. Ugh.

I'm participating in Fantasy Football this year. It looks like fun and I was offered the position when a friend who was playing last year opted out this year. I feel like maybe if I survive the draft, I'll be ok.

SCHOOL! YAY STRESS! FML. School starts on Wednesday. I'm nervous because I have some financial stuff to get taken care of but excited otherwise. Wish me luck!

My arms hurt

2011-08-25T10:57:00.000-07:00

So yesterday started off kind of awful but ended ok.

I got to go to the gym and had an awesome work out. My arms are killing me and I suspect its from the push ups. I want to go again today. I guess we will see.

I'm actually kind of having a weird episode. I just started dating this guy Tony. Things are going ok. I just dont want him to freak out because I'm freaking out about me ex. He's coming over later and we are going to smoke, make burgers, and eat cookies. I think I'm making the Neiman Marcus cookies but with nuts.

My life is so weird right now. I almost don't know what to do with myself.

Neural Pathways Set in Stone?

2011-08-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

I'm having a little bit of a breakdown today.

Last night, I had a nightmare that I ran into my ex-fiance. I don't remember talking to him in the dream but I think we made eye contact. I panicked and woke up screaming.

I know that it seems silly but we were together for 4.5 years. I loved that man with all of my heart and soul. The last therapist I spoke to told me that I probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from it. I believe it. I think I'm still in love with him.

So today I am doing everything I can think of to elevate my stress level. I'm about to go to the gym and beat up the tread mill, I 'm blogging as you read, and I'm making an appointment with my therapist for later in the week.

What else is there for someone who has no way to get closure? What kind of life is this to live?

It's Saturday!

2011-06-04T18:42:00.001-07:00

My Best Friend, Kim, came over last night. We played Mario Kart Wii, drank gin and RedBull, played with Smurfs(she got me an iTunes gift card as an early Birthday present, I bought Smurfberries), caught up on things we had missed, and talked about the future. I had a great time. I even let her sit in my side of the couch.

I almost forgot that Doctor Who aired today. I downloaded the episode and I'm about to watch it. My friend Joe from Ireland said that it is a mid season finale and they are taking a brake until the fall. :-(

Wes attended, his bestfriend, Will's wedding today as the best man. I wish I could have been there.

On the Work out front, I'm developing nicely, I think. I am going to the gym after I watch Doctor Who. I think my chest is starting to show. I just want abs. lol. Im going to the beach on Monday. If I take any pictures that I'm happy with, I might post one as my pic for the day.

In the Mood for Love

2011-06-01T23:39:00.000-07:00

I just posted this to my FB but I really like it so I wanted to post it here. I think its from 2006, maybe 2007. I'm not sure.

Went to the gym today and did legs. We'll see if I did them right if they hurt Thurday(later today). Im really trying to get abs for summer but Im working my whole body at the same time. I'll go again Thursday(later today) to do arms. I'd like to run down my the waterfront today too. We will see.

BEGIN SPOILERS: "In the Mood for Love" film

I just watched Wong Kar-Wai's "In the Mood for Love" and it was really hard. It's neighbors who realise that their spouses are cheating on them with the other's spouse. They have a relationship that borders on sybiotic but it gives them what they need to deal with the infadelity of their husband/wife. In the end the secret love that the other clearly knows about but neither will admit to gets me. It's so sad on so many levels. Not to even get started on the music or cinematography. Simply Amazing.

END SPOILERS

It's hard not to think about Royce after watching that. My feelings have evolved so much. I love him and I don't care about him at the same time. I don't hate him. I don't want him to be unhappy but I don't care if he's happy or not. I do want him in my life and at the same time not. It's like a mild confliction.

Met with Doug today. I somehow don't have a problem being "the other man". Life is fucked up. I hope when Wes and I make it official that I am able to remain commited and fidelious.

I'm going to bed. Sleep well.

JUNE! Pic-A-Day!

2011-06-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

Spring is finally here. I've been grilling like a mad man. I might be doing it again tonight with Sean. Not sure yet. It depends on if he's feeling well enough. Apparently he hurt his neck yesterday.

I'm going to the gym again today to make more of an effort towards abs. Lol. I just want abs for summer. Having them for my birthday would be nice. Having them for Boston Pride would be FUCKING AMAZING!

Ugh. I need to fill out FAFSA paperwork today. I hate paperwork. I'm such a procrastinator. But do I want to pay for my schooling right now out of pocket? No. Paperwork it is.

Wash dishes, take a shower, get dressed, go to gym, paperwork, relax. Sounds like a plan. Make it happen.

End of May, Beginning of Pic-A-Day

2011-05-30T23:31:00.001-07:00

So I said I was doing to try and be more punctual. Fail so far but here we go.

60 SECOND UPDATE!!!

Talking to Wes again. Planning on going to see him for his birthday at the end of June.

Turning 32 *gasp* in July. Whatever. It happens.

Got an A- in Honors Sociology. YAY!! Don't ask about the other classes. Boo and a Hiss.

Kitties are good, except when they are being bad.

I'm hanging out with Kim next week-end. Que shenanigans.

END UPDATE!

I'm tired. It's late.

Good night. Good morning.

Big Changes, Small Life

2011-04-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

So lots has happened. Quick up-date.

-I got in three car accidents. Car totaled. Currently with out wheels. Complete refund for the value of the car. Not having transportation is killing my dating life (kind of).

-Pepere died December 6th. I miss him all the time. I had a craving for tomato soup for weeks afterward and couldn't figure it out until my older sister pointed out that it was his favorite. Wore my Navy Dress Blues to his funeral. Cried a lot.

-Won an iPad from Converse at work. Saps all of my attention. It is a little bit of evil but I kind of love it. I live on Grindr.

-Grindr is like throwing dynamite in the water fishing for gays. Its so trashy but I kind of love it too. It's really bad for my self restaint.

-Saw a pic of my own cock on craigslist. Not sure if I'm flattered or insulted. Wonder what the guys that go to meet him when they get there and see that his cock is not as big as mine. Chuckle a little inside.

-QUIT MY JOB! Hate it. Want to do more with my life. Gave my two weeks notice in January.

-Going back to school at UMass Dartmouth for Nursing. It's really tough but only because I'm a slacker. Ugh. Why am I so lazy?

-Cut my hair into a mohawk again. Love it. Mom hates it. Life moves on.

Can't think of anything else right now. I'm going to try and be more regular. Bookmarking this NOW on my iPad. God, I love technology. I love Jesus too, btw.

Extended Lent - Day 360

2010-08-16T20:42:00.001-07:00

Part One:

Two nights ago, I did Outreach at the House of Blues and I did infact run into Alex. I wasn't prepared. I froze. He said "Hi." and I squeaked. I turned and he walked by.

Epic fail.

Last night, I sent him an e-mail telling him that I was sorry for freezing. That I wanted to say more that night. That I still like him.

Today, I got no response.

Part Two:

Laurie is amazing. I heart her.

Extended Lent - Day 361

2010-08-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

Part One:

Interestingly enough, Alex's friend Max came into my store today. He seemed a little nervous at first but I think that's because the obvious topic was my relationship ending with Alex. He did have some very interesting things to say which make me think that Alex will try to talk to me tonight.

I did end up going out to "Straddles" last night with Kimi after the movie. She has turned into a regular Kerri: Part 2. She hooked me up with a cute indian guy named Jackson. Yes, we had casual sex. No, I am not proud of it. He said he is going to be at the HOB tonight. This should be interesting. Fuck.

Part Two:

SCOTT PILGRIM WAS AWESOME!!!! :D Loved it! A little different than the graphic novel but still very good. Could only have been better if it had split into two long movies.

Work was ok today. One of my better clients came in and bought a fair amount. I did just over $3000 in sales. Still a slow week but ok in the end.

Doing Outreach for the first time in over a month. Wondering what I'm going to do to kill the time till then. Paul is my partner tonight. This is actually why I'm blogging so early today. I'm not going to get to do it later.

Extended Lent - Day 362

2010-08-13T17:35:00.000-07:00

Part One:

Nothing to crazy has happened yet today. Sean was texting me earlier and flirting, asking if we were going to hook up tomorrow night (or at least make-out). I don't know what's going to happen but Kimi insists that if I want to make out or even have casual sex with someone, that is my decission. I am still adiment about not dating anyone. I am still nervous about running into Alex (which is going to happen) and/or Royce (which I strongly suspect will happen) at "Epic" HOB on Saturday. Kimi and I are going to the movies at Providence Place tonight to see "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World" and hopefully drinks afterward.

Straddles, anyone?

Part Two:

I got my hair cut today. It really was more of a clean up/trim. I guess I'm growing it out. Not sure just how long it's going to get. You can see a picture of it above. It looks cute and I look like a little boy. Lol.

Work sucked. I woke up an hour and a half late today but was only eight minutes late for my 9am shift. Only two sales. I hope that this is because everyone is going to be buying lots tomorrow for the "Tax-Free Holiday". We shall see.

Extended Lent - Day 363

2010-08-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

Part One:

I got into it with my co-worker/douchebag today. Stress +1.

Getting paid more than I was HOPING for. Relief +2.
Did not find the "Flash" underwear that Wes told me about. Disappointment -1.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World opens tomorrow. Excitement +2.

Lori is joining me at HOB Saturday night. That's cool. I haven't seen her in like ten years.

Part Two:

Very anxious about Saturday night. Nervous about seeing Alex. Terrified of running into Royce.

Extended Lent - Day 364

2010-08-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

Part One:

I went to the gym today. I got there late but my trainer was cool so we did arms today. There were more than enough guys to look at and oggle and lust after. This is the hard part again. I just tried to focus on my work out.

My computer is out so I couldn't troll Craigslist for pictures of guys, weither I wanted to act on my urges or not. I went to the waterfront with a bag of bread and fed the Ducks, Geese, and Swan. After that I walked up and back on the waterfront checking out the guys.

Ugh. I'm a mess.

Plus, I'm doing outreach at House of Blues this Saturday and Nina Flowers is DJing. This means that Alex will not be Dancing although I know he's going because Facebook told me. I wonder what will happen if/when we see each other. I also have fear that I'm going to run into Royce. I should just focus on Outreach.

Part Two:

I'm having Chinese take out with Kimi tonight. We might go out for drinks later. I hope so. Maybe "Straddles". IDK.

Extended Lent - Day 365

2010-08-10T20:35:00.000-07:00

Part One:

Ok. I had to pay the rest of my parking tickets because Boston wouldn't clear them with out all of them being paid even though the ones from 2009 (that I had already paid) were holding it up because I had some from this year.

Then I went to the bank and took out the money I needed to pay my excise tax on my car to free that restriction up.

Finally I went to the RMV and because I had waited like three hours the day before, I skipped the line. Yay. I had to pay another $150 to get my registration re-instated an new plates. My old plates were confinscated when I got pulled over. RIP.

I still have to get my door and windshield fixed but at least I have everything I needed taken care of to go to court.

Still, FML.

Part Two:

While going through my Navy paperwork, I found some old e-mails that Royce sent me. He had sent them while I was on deployment. They talked about how much he loved me. It was impossible to read with out crying. Why did I read them? Because I'm a glutten for punishment, that's why.

I had a conversation with Wes via e-mail today. It was good. I would like to be friends. I don't know how this is going to work though.

I want to do out read this Saturday at the House of Blues but I kind of don't want to see Alex. And I kind of do.

This not dating/no sex is proving most difficult.

*sigh*

A New Direction

2010-08-09T15:30:00.001-07:00

So I am officially ending it with Wes. He is very young (20 years old) and not emotionally developed enough to deal with a serious long distance relationship AND because I am still recovering from my relationship with Royce ending.

Starting tomorrow, I will be giving up dating, relationships, and sex (casual or otherwise).

I've tried to do this before. I have had difficulty with this type of "extended lent" in the past. Yes. I have tried to not date or have sex before. And failed. I think I'm ready now to go all the way.

365 days.

Holy shit. What am I getting myself into?

A Brief History

2010-08-06T23:06:00.000-07:00

So Wes flipped out at the fact that I still have a DList page. He asked if I was sleeping with other people and I told him I was. He ended it.

Then he un-ended it. He told me he loves me. He said he just couldn't live with me being with someone else.

I tried explaining that I wasn't ready for commitment. I reminded him that I told him I was seeing someone(Alex) months ago and he told me not to tell him about it. I tried to tell him how much Royce had hurt me and left me crippled emotionally.

He didn't get it.

So I relived all the most painful, difficult moments of my life for the past seven years.

I think he's starting to get it now.

I don't know if I still want to be with someone who is so young and inexperienced. He just pushed and pushed and pushed.

He might have pushed me out.

Many dates.

2010-08-01T21:05:00.000-07:00

So Alex and I are no longer together. He got emotionally involved and got scared so he fell back on his stance of not wanting a commited relationship. Womp womp.

I'm still seeing Wes in Tampa. I'm going to see him next week.

But now there is Josh from Providence. I met him three weeks ago and now he is expressing interest. Who knows where that will go.

The one thing that nags at me is that I'm still attracted to Claude's friend Mike and I feel like I want to know if there is something there. We made out that night at MiraBar.

Hmmm....

Am I asking for too much?

Don't I deserve to be desired?

I've kissed a thousand frogs. Maybe one day one will really be a prince.

I still love you.

2010-06-08T22:41:00.000-07:00

I can't help it.

What started it?

What opened the flood gates?

How did you touch my heart?

You're not allowed.

You're not wanted.

You are banished, exiled, cast out.

But there you are.

And here I am.

Alone with my heart and it's feelings.

Alone.

I can't help it.

I still love you.

Forgetting where you parked can make for an interesting evening...

2010-05-27T22:08:00.000-07:00

So today was a crappy and very weird day.

I'll ignore my time at work, but I ended up leaving late due to issues with the register. I ran to the train jumped on, noticing that my Charlie Card was now empty. I ran to the Red Line and just caught the Braintree train. I rode the train all the way to Quincy Adams train station(where I found Quincy). I then realised that I had not taken the train in. I had infact driven in.

My car was still at work and I had just put myself 45 minutes away from it. FML.

I put $10 back on my Charlie Card. Jumped back on the Alewife Redline train. I was in need of candy and craving a Caramello bar.

I got off the Green line at Copley Sq. and went topside. As I walked down the street, I ran into my friend Gary's Ex, David Lee. This is awkward for many reasons. One is that David Lee is weird. Half of what he says is unintelligible. Another thing is while Gary and He were dating, he hit on me. I don't think he knows that he knows me or how. I think he's forgotten that he met me.

Anyway, he asked where I worked that allowed me to where a suit and Converse All-Stars. Answering the question would point out that I currently work with Gary and that might be enough to help him put the pieces together and figure out how I knew him. I dodged by saying that I only wore them TO work. I was saved by the bus that came to pick him up.

As I walked away, I noticed my whole evenings Salvation. It came in the form of "Sugar Heaven". "Sugar Heaven" used to be on Newbury St. but this year it moved to Boylston St, a much better location in my opinion as it is larger and closer to me. I walked in only to find that the ice cream parler down stairs(the Newbury St location never had such a boon) was finally open. I jaunted down stairs and took the woman's second suggestion(her first was pistachio-GROSS!) Caramel Brownie Swirl in a Waffle Cone. It was perfection. On my way out I found the Caramello bar I had been looking for.

Upon my arrival to the store, I found the elevator out. This means I had to walk across the street to the Shaws to use the elevator to the parking garage. As I crossed the street, I ran into Alex coming out of the Shaws. This was a pleasant surprise and it made me think that if the elevator had been operational, I would have missed Alex all together. We talked for a little bit and after I felt a rain drop, I offered him a ride home.

We went to my car and as I drove us to his house we started running into hundreds of people in the street. A Red Sox game had just got out. The people were teaming in the streets and not caring about cars. We came to a stand still and talked a little bit. I hadn't seen him since last Sunday morning. Eventually I realised that my car wasn't going anywhere and we were a block from Alex's place. I asked if he minded walking the rest of the way so I could turn around and start my drive home. As he was about to get out of the car he kissed me and I felt something. I feel like a wall is down and I'm getting closer to Alex and who he is.

I turned around and started my long drive home with a lot to ponder...

Famous Friends

2010-05-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

Ok. So maybe I know a woman who won an extremely difficult reality compitition. And maybe she texted me last night to invite me to a near by casino to hang out with some of the other people from the show. I would totally jump at the heart beat, not because they're famous but because I've meet some of them and they are good people.

Anyway, I am seeing someone new(they all met my ex-fiance the last time they were in town) and I wanted to bring him as he is going to be coming up from TAMPA, FL just to see me. So basically the invite was taken back because they don't know him. I don't need to spend the night. I just want to hang out for a little bit. I can leave when you guys go to sleep.

The offer is very generous but I can't just ditch my quasi-boyfriend to hang out with people, when he came over a thousand miles just to spend the week-end with me.

I never want to see you ever again

2010-05-25T21:53:00.001-07:00

I just found a picture of you and your new boyfriend. Oh god. Why can't you just go away? I don't want it anymore. I don't want any of it.

Clearing the Clutter

2010-05-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

So I am growing closer to two men. I have been dating each for a while now. I have also been seeing other guys casually. But something has changed. I am developing feelings for the two men.

So I'm not ready to make a choice about either guy yet, but I feel like I should stop messing around with other guys. This is going to be interesting because I have to change how I interact with people who flirt with me.

I used to just go with it and flirt back. I had been with the PromiseBreaker for so long that I just got out of the loop of flirting. I have to change how I talk to people. I don't mind not having as much sex but I have to make a distinct effort.

Here goes nothing.

An Inch of Progress

2010-05-24T07:38:00.000-07:00

So Alex and I hung out Saturday night before I went to do out reach and he went to dance. We met up afterward, and I spent the night.

Anyway, I'm starting to get the feeling that Alex is opening up more to me and we are closer suprisingly. I did not expect this. I think Alex is having feelings for me and it's making me have feelings for him.

This complicates things. I have decissions to make...

Love Songs and their lack of Effectiviness

2010-03-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

I am usually a hot mess. This passed year has been especially indicative of that. But lately, Lately things have been different.

I still get jerked around against my will(and often still because of it) at the hands of a sad song about love lost. But something has changed. Love songs. Love songs no longer tug my heart as they used to. It's very odd.

The only way for me to describe it is as follows. You know how when someone tells you that someone they love died from cancer? You know you should feel bad. They loved that person and now they are gone forever. They will never see that person's face again, or hear they're voice.

But still....

You didn't know that person and you don't feel anything for them other than surface sympathy. You don't really feel bad. You continue on your day. You have Chinese for dinner and watch lost and go to bed.

I used to feel everything. Now I only feel sadness. I have people in my life whom I love but they are family and friends. Even though I am dating people and I like them, I still don't feel anything for them. Nothing deep or moving.

I sometimes wonder if this means I have finally grown into and "adult heart". Is it harder for mature adults to fall in love? Or does this mean that I will forever have less feelings? "Je ne sais pas.

What does it mean?

"You can't un-ring the bell."

2010-02-11T21:03:00.000-08:00

Today, I came home and found a note on my door. Apparently, Brian(one of my ex's friends) had called my sister looking for me. My ex left some stuff in my attic and amongst those things was one of Brian's photography books.

I called Brian and after the conversation I've come to the realisation that my ex is messed up. I don't know why it's taken me so long to realize this but I see it now.

It makes me feel better. I am more emotionally secure than him. Am I gloating? No. It makes me feel better to know that at least a little(probably a lot) was his fault. Do I want more contact with him? No.

I want him gone. I am moving on.

I am me. And that is good enough.

A hole too large

2010-02-09T17:05:00.000-08:00

So I'm moving on. I'm making progress. I'm getting better.

And still...

I am sad. I'm sad. I'm so so sad.

I have this gaping hole and I have no idea how to fix it. I don't know the remedy or how to proceed. Why am I stuck? I feel like I have partitioned the part of my heart that still has feelings so I can function like a normal human.

It's working but every so often...

The Flood. A Deluge. The Dike has burst and not a dutch boy in sight.

Noah has crapped his robe and there will never be a rainbow ever again.

I just stand here looking to the sky, searching for that fucking dove with the sprig of green in it's beak.

Rules for Dating Me...

2010-02-07T21:15:00.001-08:00

Here is what I need in a man for a Relationship to occur:

1- Must be out. This includes to family and friends, at work, in church, etc.

2- Must be Monogamous. I can't stand cheaters and refuse open relationships.

3- Must be Versital. If I can bottom, you can too. Otherwise, you're just being selfish.

4- Must be open to the idea of getting married at some point in the future.

5- Must want Children. Adopt or Surrogate. One or the other.

6- Must be willing to eat at any restaurant. Applebees is NOT a restaurant.

7- Once a month, there is a Movie Date Night. There are other date nights, one per week but Movie night is not up for discussion. You're going to do it.

8- Should not be Allergic to Cats/Should like my cats. They aren't going any where. Embrace the situation.

9- Should be ok with Public Displays of Affection. Kissing, Holding hands, etc.

I reserve the right to come up with a rule 10 at a later date. Be prepared.

First Blog...

2010-01-31T09:22:00.000-08:00

So what do I hope to achieve from this?

I want to be able to talk about my personal life with some level of anonymity. I think if I get it out in the vastness of the internet, I will feel less likely to talk about it to everyone I see in real life.

I'd finally be able to have secrets again.

So here goes:

I still love with my ex even after all he did.

I am moving on. I'm "seeing" two people but messing around with 3 others.

I'm bad with money.

I'm an aggressive driver.

I like comic books and video games.

I like cooking and love baking.

Oh yeah, I have two boy cats. They don't pay rent and eat all the catfood.